How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
"Say you'll be wine."
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
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