I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
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