As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
"You had me at merlot."
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
I yam what I yam.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
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