What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
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