What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
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