How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
I think therefore I yam.
We’re a perfect mash.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
"It's wine o'clock."
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
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