Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
We’re a perfect mash.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
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