I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
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