You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
I like you a latke!
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
I love you a tot!
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
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