Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
"Alcohol you later."
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
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