What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
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