I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
We’re a perfect mash.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
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