Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
"Time to wine down."
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
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