Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
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