Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
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