How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
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