The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
"I mead more wine."
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Time fries when you’re having fun!
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
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