What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
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