Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
"Time to wine down."
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
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