I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
"Adulting makes me wine."
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
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