One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
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