What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.