To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.