What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
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