When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
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