What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
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