What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
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