What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
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