What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.