Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
I hope for world peas.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
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