Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
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