What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
"I need to re-wine my life."
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
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