What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
"Will you accept this rosé?"
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
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