I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
"I need to re-wine my life."
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
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