Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Time to celery-brate.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
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