What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
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