What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
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