Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
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