When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
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