How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
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