What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
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