Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
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