"I need to re-wine my life."
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
Potato puns are a-peeling.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
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