Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
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How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
"I need to re-wine my life."
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
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