If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
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