So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
"Adulting makes me wine."
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
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