What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
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