Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
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