I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
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Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
"Adulting makes me wine."
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
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