Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
"Great minds drink alike."
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
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