I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
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