A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
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