The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
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