What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
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