I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
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