I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
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