"I mead more wine."
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
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