Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
I like you a latke!
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
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