Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
"I need to re-wine my life."
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
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