The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
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