What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
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