"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
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