My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
"It's wine o'clock."
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
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