What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
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