What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.