Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
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