I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
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